Look out, John Robin!

It is a glorious day on the deck of the Grey Opal.

“Man what a great boat!” I yell over the gunwale.

“She’s a ship, mate.” A familiar voice says behind me.

I turn to face: “Jack Spa–!”

He holds up a finger. “’Ang on. Ya can’t say it, lest, ya know?” He holds his hands up to his bandana like mouse ears.

“I don’t get it Ja–”

He interrupts me again, his eyes darting around. “It’s John, mate. John Robin.”

“Ohhhh, I get it.” I wink at him. “An alias.”

“Something like that,” the pirate replies.

“Pretty sweet guyliner you have there. I don’t think I could pull it off but it really brings out your eyes.”

Before John can say anything one of the hottest women I have ever seen slides down from the rigging nearby. “Oh my god,” I say with my eyes popping out of my head like that cartoon wolf. “Keir-“

“A-buh-buh!” John Robin holds up a quelling finger. “This is Ellie Duck.”

I laugh. “Is everyone bird named on this ship?”

Ellie and John trade a look as if I’m ridiculous. “Let me guess, Miami Blossom is Bill Tern-er!” They do not think I am clever which offends me deeply.

“Who is Miami Blossom, mate?”

“John, please,” I roll my eyes. “You are the worldliest pirate in the world.”

John turns to Ellie. “Ha! See! He has heard of me.”

“As I was saying,” I say bitterly. “You are worldliest pirate in the world, so you must know: Miami Blossom is the non-infringing name of the actor who plays Legolas in the hit film franchise, The Lord of the Rings. I’m assuming he’s-“

“Oh please don’t make the stupid joke again,” Ellie complains and I fall deeper in love. “Is he allowed to say Legolas?”

“I think so,” John says with hesitation. “I don’t think the Brothers are very litigious.”

“You know what I just realized? You’re calling yourself John and-“

Ellie interrupts me again. “Enough of this, it’s overstaying its welcome. The third leg of our love triangle is Gil Switcher, and he is Herman Bahamas.”

The man who looks suspiciously like Geoffery Rush swaggers over. “Yar, it be a dreadful name, isn’t it. Alas.”

“It’s okay you’re my favorite, you can get away with it,” I say but I wink at Keir—er Ellie. She scoffs. “Say, where’s the monkey? I’ve always wanted to hang out with a monkey.”

Bahamas sneers. “John!” He bellows. “We have to keep the joke in place y’see?”

The little monkey scampers from somewhere and climbs on Herman’s shoulder.

This is incredible. “John the Monkey! What a delight. Eek eek!” I wave at the small primate.

John the Monkey shrieks at me and makes a very rude hand gesture that D***** would not approve of at all. Everyone laughs but me. People are always saying “never meet your heroes” and I always hated that advice, but, man, they were right about John the Monkey.

“Look, I want to use that cool compass to figure out what my heart’s desire is.”

“I bet you would,” John says. “No chance.”

I figured he’d say that, but I have an ace up my sleeve. “Well I challenge you to a game of Liar’s Dice for a chance to use it.” A hush falls over the crew.

I know John can’t resist. His eyes glitter greedily. “And in return?”

I had expected this too. I pull out my wallet. “It’s my Ace Hardware store propane punch card,” I say, waving it for all to see. “As you can see it’s got five punches in it, which means the next tank is free.”

Herman gasps. “It be the helpful place!” There is a general murmur of approval from the crew.

John, however, is unimpressed. “What else ya got?”

I thought maybe pirates would leap at the chance for a free tank of propane even though it’s a low ball offer. I’m prepared to up the ante. “Alright I can see you’re a man of taste. How about this 1987 Barry Bonds #320 card? Signed.” I look smugly at the gathered crewmen. “He played for the Pirates then, you know.”

“That card is worth thousands!” Ellie exclaims. The crew is stunned silent. “What because I’m a woman I’m not supposed to know about baseball cards?” The crew mutters that she has a point.

John remains unmoved. “And?”

“Playing hardball eh?” I say grudgingly. “Okay John. I’ll throw in my Barnes and Noble membership card.”

He crosses his arms and shakes his head. “You know what I’m looking for, mate.” His eyes flare avariciously.

“No,” I growl.

“Oh yes. The insurance.”

I sigh and slide my medical insurance card out of the wallet. I place the stack of cards on an overturned barrel. “The dice?” The pirates produced cups of dice. “Gil’s not playing? He was pivotal in the Davy Jones Liar’s Dice scene.”

“He’s worried about yer impression,” Bahamas says.

“What!” I exclaim. “My impressions are good!”

Herman Bahamas makes the so-so hand gesture while grimacing. Sheesh, what a bunch of critics.

Ellie, Herman, John and me roll our dice. I, being the challenger, bid first. “Twenty ones!” I declare.

John is dubious. “You can’t be serious.” He peeks at his hand and narrows his eyes. “There’s no way. You’re lying.”

Everyone reveals their dice. There are indeed twenty ones.

“How did you—!” Ellie gasps.

“I’m good at this game,” I say and hold my hand out to John. He passes me the compass. The needle is pointing at Ellie.

“Oh for God’s sakes,” she says. “Not again.”

“Wait, hang on,” Bahamas says. “Step aside lass.” Ellie moves and the arrow doesn’t follow her. She relaxes visibly. “We follow the lad’s heart’s desire!” A cheer erupts from the Opal’s crew.

I snatch John’s hat and put it on my head. “Look at me! I am the captain now!”

“Thas not—“ John begins to say but Herman cuts him off.

“Yar. His desire, his boat.”

I beam. John the Monkey leaps onto my shoulder and shakes his fists triumphantly. This goes to show that if you do meet your heroes, all you need to so is wear a sweet pirate hat first.

“This is going to take us way off course!” John Robin complains.

I roll my eyes. “Dude the needle barely moved. It’ll be fine.”

He gives me a long explanation about how tiny changes in navigational heading results in hundreds of miles of difference the further you go. It sounds boring because it is boring. I sigh loudly several times before he gives up and sits on a barrel to pout.

“Come about 2 degrees to port!” I yell.

Bahamas looks at me forlornly. “Best let me handle this lad.”

I spend the next several hours telling the crew everything I know about the golden age of pirates, like Calico Jack Rackham and Charles Vane. “There are even lady pirates like you,” I say to Ellie with a wink. “Like Anne Bonny.” She gives me a disgusted look but I know she’s starting to warm up to me. “Anyway you guys should check out the hit TV show Black Sails for a pretty good dramatization of all this. It’s on Starz.”

The two idiot pirates no one knows the names of look up at the sky and then back to me with confusion. I laugh because they are such funny buffoons. “Say, speaking of Bonny, you guys wanna sing some shanties?”

“Yer the cap’n lad!” Bahamas says with a piratical laugh and we have a great time belting out My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean and What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor? and the Wellerman, of course. Everyone is singing except John who’s really starting to be annoying by being such a poor sport.

I’m trying to teach them Barrett’s Privateers when we spot land. I’m thankful because it was getting frustrating. The idiot pirates kept laughing at 1778 for some reason. I make them row us to shore as punishment.

“At last!” I exclaim. “My true heart’s desire! Behold!” I sweep my arm theatrically at the Long John Silver’s behind me.

No one reacts.

“Are all of you seriously telling me you’re not excited for pirate themed fast food?”

“I’m not eating here,” Ellie says with a grimace.

“Miss Duck,” I say imploringly. “You will enjoy this. It’s not the 2000s any more, you’re allowed to have actual calories. The patriarchy, am I right?”

Bahamas, easily the coolest of the assembled pirates says, “aye, it don’t smell half bad.”

“That’s the spirit Herman!” I say clapping my hands together. “Listen the chicken planks rule. Get it planks?” Man these pirates are a tough crowd. “They come in giant cardboard treasure chests!”

This gets them excited. Should’ve lead with the treasure thing I guess. Only Ellie and John are unimpressed.

“Look, Ellie, just try a hush puppy and then I’ll leave you alone.”

She’s aghast. “They serve dog here?”

“Ellie, what! No it’s just deep fried bread dough and it’s so good.”

“You’re disgusting!” she replies.

“Women are always saying that to me.” I sigh.

“Excuse me?”

I shake my head. “One hush puppy. And I’ll never speak to you again. Deal?”

She crosses her arms and frowns but says, “Fine.”

A few minutes later, I’m standing on a table teaching the crew the themesong to their movie. They don’t know it for some reason which is a crime. “Duh-duh-dah-na-na nuh-nuh na nuhnuh!” I chant and even the Long John Silvers employees are singing. It’s great. “Pretty good everyone. You should hear the DJ Tiesto remix of this song, it’s extra sick.”

All the pirates cheer and continue eating. Ellie is eating a third hush puppy and I wink at her. She gestures at me rudely. I see John Robin sitting forlornly in a corner. I sigh. “John the Monkey, take over, I’ll be right back.”

I slide into John the Pirate’s booth. “Robin, what’s wrong buddy?”

“It’s me crew, mate. They like you better’n me.”

I put my hands on my hips. “John Marie Robin, now that just is not true. They just have not known the joy that is chicken planks. Don’t sweat it.”

He sighs sadly and let me tell you there’s nothing sadder than a depressed pirate. “John buddy, they call it a jolly roger. Not a pouty roger.” He doesn’t like my gentle ribbing. I see a Party City store across the lot and get a brilliant idea. “John, we’re gonna fix this, come with me.”

“What’s the use!”

I draw myself up. “Is this mutiny, then?” A hush falls over the restaurant. In other circumstances I would make a great hush puppy joke but I am a magnanimous captain.

John’s eyes dart between the members of the crew and me. The two idiot pirates hold up plastic cutlery and menace John. Love those guys.

“Course not,” John Robin says too loudly. “Whatever you say….captain.”

As we exit Bahamas gives me a searching look. I thumbs him up. He shrugs and begins playing Liar’s Dice with some of the crew and they are betting on chicken planks. I’m jealous but John and I are on a mission.

“This’ll work, trust me.”

Back on the Opal, we have lasers and a fog machine going. John the Monkey helped hang an awesome mirror ball from the mizzen mast. John the Pirate has passed out a bunch of glowsticks to everyone and placed huge barrels with cans of silly string and bottles of bubbles all over. Everyone has silly cardboard pirates hats.

I stand up on the foredeck. “Hear ye hear ye! Because John Robin has arranged this pretty sick Pirate Rave, I feel it is my duty to abdicate my role as captain.”

“Arrgh!” The crew moans.

“Now now!” I hold up a finger. “Don’t argh because it’s over. Yarr because it happened.”

“Yarr!” The crew bellows.

“Thank you.” I turn to my right. “Okay DJ Tiesto, it’s time to get this boat on the road!”

He starts playing the super sweet trance remix of He’s the Pirate. I can say that because of fair use.

John takes the real captain’s hat from me and joins his crew on the main deck for the rave.

I’m leaning on a mast watching my boys have the time of their life. Ellie comes up to me.

“I saw what you did,” she says sweetly and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. She bats her eyelashes at me. “So…I was wrong about you. Maybe we…could get dinner sometime?”

I ignore her because I promised her I would never speak to her again.

“Have you gone deaf?” She demands.

I don’t understand what she’s so confused about. “Can someone explain to Miss Duck that I am not allowed to speak to her ever again?” John the Monkey leaps from my shoulder to hers and whispers in her ear. “Thanks, John the Monkey, you’re a true friend.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “I release you from your agreement.”

“Forreal?” I ask but then wince. “Shoot.”

Several pirates point their muskets in the air and blast them. Whoops. Shouldn’t’ve said shoot.

“Yes, silly.” Ellie giggles. “I just need to know one thing.” She pulls out the Compass that Shows Your Hearts Desire and passes it to me. The needle goes from pointing at me to pointing at her. She glows and steps forward to kiss me. Before she does though she notices something.

She steps aside and the needle doesn’t move. She looks at where it’s pointing. “That stupid restaurant?! We’ve just finished eating!”

“It’s really good chicken!” I say sheepishly.

“It is not! It…you…augh!!!”

“You said you wanted to go to dinner!” I retort.

She snatches the compass and the needle goes back to pointing at me. “You’re unbelievable,” she snarls and stalks away.

I sigh. “John the Monkey, I will never understand women.” He pats me on the head. “You’re right John the Monkey. It is a real monkey paw situation. Great joke.” I fist bump him.

I smile as I watch the pirates jig and blow bubbles and shoot silly string and wave their crazy glowsticks. “This really is a great boat.”