“Raid Sesame Street!” Animal the DM roared.
The table stared in stricken silence. “Gee, Animal,” Kermit the Bard said. “Is that really the story here? Aren’t they our friends?”
“RAID SESAME STREET!” Animal shouted. There was no reasoning with him in general, let alone when he had that look in his eye.
“Look, can we geet this show on de road? I haf a beautiful woman back at my hotel, ju know?” Pepe the Paladin said.
“I’m game,” Gonzo the Thief said.
Kermit sighed. He always has a knack for when things were going to go awry. The game began.
The party strode down the main street.
“Golly! Welcome to Sesame Street!” Mayor Big Bird said to the party.
“Wow look at the legs on her!” Gonzo whispered.
“Gonzo, please,” the Bard grumbled. More loudly he said, “Hi-ho, Mayor Bird. Prithee, where can my humble party find lodgings for respite and coin?”
“Look if ju don’t I will,” Pepe muttered.
“I try to woo the giant chicken!” Gonzo blurted.
“Gonzo you don’t have the charisma for that. Besides, Big Bird’s a—“
“Roll dice! Roll dice!” Animal demanded. Kermit sighed.
“Hah!” Gonzo shouted as be rolled. “One,” he groaned.
“Guards!” Big Bird shouted. “Seize them!”
“Ah Jeeze,” Kermit moaned.
“All of you are under arrest, ah-ah-ah!” Sheriff the Count said.
“Why?” Fozzie the mage asked. “Gonzo’s the one who did it. Arrest him!”
“I’m afraid you are all guilty by association, ah-ah-ah!”
“Well, screw that! Put em up, fangy!”
“Fozzie!” Kermit gasped.
“I’m just role-playing, Kermit, grow up.”
“FIGHT!” Animal bellowed. “ROLL DICE ROLL DICE!”
Fozzie tossed his initiative roll. “Sixteen. Choke on that garlic, County!”
“You might be overdoing it my friend, ok?” Pepe said.
The Count took his roll. “One…ah-ah-ahh! Two…ah-ah-ahh!”
“We get it; it says eight, you don’t have to count,” Fozzie griped.
“Five…ah-ah-ahh!”
“Yeah I gotta kill this guy,” Fozzie muttered while The Count finished counting. “I cast ‘elegant sunrise’!”
“Is that even a thing?” Kermit asked.
“Who cares? It’s not like Animal knows. He just wants us to roll dice. Yeah yeah hold yer horses.” Fozzie rolled. “18! Sayonara!”
Animal roared. “Goodbye the Count!”
“Alright, I gotta have the big chicken,” Gonzo said rubbing his hands together.
“Oh no ya don’t,” Kermit replied. “If you try again, you’re going on your own!”
“Let’s ditch these bozos!” Pepe said to Gonzo.
Kermit sighed. “Let’s go, Fozzie. There’s an inn over there. I’m sure we can find a quest or two.”
“The Rubber Ducky?” Fozzie was always more partial to rubber chickens. Kermit just shook his head. He had no time for banter. The entered the crowded tavern and went straight to the innkeeper.
“Hey fellas,” Ernie said as he wiped a tankard. “Can I get ya something?”
“We’re looking for a quest, actually,” Kermit said. “Know of anyone looking to hire?”
Ernie stroked his chin. “Yeah, actually. Fellow over there in the hood has been sitting there for a while. I heard he was looking for help.”
Kermit had heard rumors about this inkeeper. He placed a bottle cap on the counter. “For the missus.” He doffed his bard’s cap. The innkeeper hissed with laughter. He and Fozzie moved to the darkened corner.
“Heard you were lookin for muscle,” Fozzie said.
The stranger in the hood turned to face them. They caught a glimpse of blue beneath the cowl. “Yes. Need help returning special object.” Fozzie gestured impatiently. “Sacred Cookie,” the hooded figure said. “Mad red king Elmo has it.”
“Alright, where do we find him?” Kermit asked
“And what’s in it for us?” Fozzie added.
The hooded figure appraised them. “Top of 123 of course.” The figured reached into his cloak and produced a golden banjo. “Prize for cookie.”
“We’re in!” Kermit gasped. “C’mon Fozzie.”
The duo wasted no time leaving the Rubber Ducky and crossed the thoroughfare to the brownstone marked with 123. The found that the door was unlocked, but Fozzie swore he heard a muffled warning from the trash can out front.
They only ran into two NPCs on the stairs.
“I feel like I’m in a dungeon!” the bald one said.
“Yeah, because this story sure is draggin’” the one with the aquiline noise said.
“Oh-ho-hooo!” they cackled together.
Kermit and Fozzie ignored them and entered the crayon-scribbled Elmo’s World. The Mad Red King sat in front of a chocolate chip cookie the size of dinner plate.
“Who disturbs my snack time!” Elmo demanded.
“Hand over the cookie!” Fozzie replied spreading his hand dramatically.
Before Elmo could respond, Piggy the Fighter burst into the room. “How dare you not wait for moi!”
“Piggy we’ve been starting at 8 for months,” Kermit grumbled.
“Can it, frog, I was busy!” Piggy tossed her hair. She at least remembered to wear her Headband of Haste this week.
“We want the cookie.” Fozzie pointed.
“Hand it over, ya little red twerp!” Piggy said.
Elmo gasped. “Elmo won’t share! Mr. Noodle, Super Grover!” He clutched the cookie and ran to hide under his bed. “Good luck with Elmo’s champions!” He cackled.
“Noodle’s mine!” Piggy took a fighting stance.
“Roll dice, Roll DICE!” Animal said.
“I cast Karate Chop. Hiiii-yaa!” Because of her Headband of Haste, she didn’t have to roll for initiative. She got a six. “No, hang on, I’ll roll again.”
Kermit shook his head. “Piggy, that’s not how the game works.”
“Kermie,” Piggy whined as she began to plead her case.
“NOODLE DEAD!” Animal shouted. The frame that contained the low-resolution mime cracked in half.
Fozzie scratched his head. “Well how about that.”
“Now, I’ll take care of the blue HUNK!” Piggy winked at Super Grover.
Kermit sighed, exasperated. “Piggy, you’ve gotta wait your turn.”
“Does the Headband not allow me to go first no matter what?” Piggy shot back. It didn’t but no one was in the mood argue with her. “How about dinner, blue buns?”
“Uhhh,” Super Grover said helplessly.
“ROLL DICE!” Animal said and threw a d6. “TWO! DATE NIGHT!”
Piggy batted her lashes. “Tell me the secret to beating the king.” She demanded it sweetly. Super Grover whispered in her ear. “You’re kidding.” Grover whispered more. “In the toy box?”
Fozzie strode over and lifted the lid. He held up a smooth stone, it was about the size of a fist. “A rock?”
Elmo went berserk. “ROCKO!? What’s he doing here! GET HIM OUT OF HERE!”
Kermit brightened. “We’ll get rid of him if you give us the cookie.”
Elmo didn’t hesitate. “Take it! Get Rocko away from Elmo!”
Kermit clutched the cookie and lead the party out of Elmo’s World and back on to Sesame Street.
“I dunno what the big deal is, this is a great rock,” Fozzie muttered. He shrugged and took the lid off the trash can before tossing Rocko inside.
“HEY!” a grouchy voice shouted.
“Must be a mimic,” Kermit said. “I’m not in the mood. Besides, we gotta get the cookie–PIGGY!”
Piggy quickly wiped some crumbs away from her muzzle. “Yes Kermie?”
“Piggy you took a bite! Look!” He held up the Sacred Cookie and it indeed had a huge bite missing. “What are we gonna do now?”
“Relax, frog, we’ll still get your stupid banjo.” Piggy kicked open the door to the Rubber Ducky. “Hey, freak!” Several patrons turned towards her. “Which one is he,” Piggy muttered from the side of her mouth.
Kermit covered his eyes. “The guy in the hood in the back.” He ignored making eye contact with everyone as he followed Piggy and Fozzie. “Here you are sir. The Sacred Cookie!” He tried to hide the bite mark with his hand, but it was useless.
Luckily the hooded figure didn’t seem to notice. He lifted the giant cookie to his cowl and ate it noisily “Nom-nom-nom-nom!” Crumbs fell in a great cascade; the mysterious creature certainly ate only a fraction of the cookie if any at all. “Banjo is yours.”
Kermit wasted no time. It was already perfectly in tune. “Why are there, so many, songs about–”
The door to the inn burst open again. “Guys we gotta go,” Gonzo panted. Pepe toddled by, clanking furiously.
“What now?” Fozzie groaned. He, Piggy, and Kermit reluctantly joined Gonzo outside. A horrible trumpeting noise echoed down Sesame Street.
The foursome looked up…and up….and up. A giant Snuffalumpagus bore down on them.
“The bird had backup,” Gonzo explained as they started to run.
“Let’s deal with this next week?” Kermit asked. Everyone agreed.